I was on time for the medical appointment but grumpy nonetheless. How could homeopathic medicine have failed me? I was such a staunch believer – I wanted to believe in healing powers much like a disillusioned Andy Kaufman , though if I were to see one of those Doctors pull out a baggie full of chicken giblets and start manipulating it in my abdomen, well, we’d have to talk.
Everyone is a smart ass when you’re sick. I walked up to the waiting room line, er, lack of one, and waited at the sign. I could hear voices in the distance – something about a WINDOW FIVE, then numerous voices saying WINDOW FIVE. It finally became apparent through my dark locs that the voices were talking to ME and telling me that window five was open. I passed by one of the opportunistic voices that happened to be emanating from a black Cal Poly High teenager with too many slouch socks on. “You’re welcome” she scoffed at me as I walked by. Attitude and fever unchecked, I felt the urge to shove her in the back as I slowly made my way to window five. Instead I spat out, “THANK YOU”
Everyone is impatient when you’re sick. I fumbled for my Kaiser hospital card and dropped it on the counter. The holes in the plastic glass divider were too low. I might as well have been talking through my boobs.
Receptionist: “Appointment?”
ME: “grunt”
Receptionist: “OK, take this upstairs to room seven and have a seat.”
ME: “grunt”
What the fuck – stairs???
Two flights directly behind me that I hadn’t really ever paid attention to before even though I've been coming to this place since, well, since I was born. Yup, those were stairs. I found my way to the module and seated myself into a creepy, sweaty, coughing ball away from the only other lady seated in the waiting room. Wouldn’t you know that waiting room filled up like a movie theater within a matter of minutes? I continued to cough like crazy and tried to look more and more pitiful each time the nurse practitioner opened the door. Finally, she took me inside.
NURSE: “So, what do you have, the flu?”
ME: “grunt” = translation = “shouldn’t you be telling me what kind of jungle disease I’ve contracted?”
The doctor wasn’t a whole lot of help either. I was easily distracted by his abstract Mickey Mouse tie. He didn’t even wash his hands when he came into the room – just proceeded to talk about the outbreak of flu cases that had just emerged (from Australia?) and I happen to be one of the last bunch. He continued on to say that he’s been exposed to it numerous times but hasn’t caught it and doesn’t know why it affects some people and not others. No shit lucky Doc.
Give me drugs man. I can’t stop this cough.
He used his stethoscope to listen to my chest and back, all the while my body continuously is wracking with coughs. This guy is not even phased. He continues with his stories of gore.
“… so not even three days ago I had a female patient come in, she was about your age, just coughing like mad – so loud I could hear her down the hallway. Turns out that she ended up rupturing the lining in her abdomen because she was coughing so hard…” It made me want to aim directly for him and his damned immunity. The prognosis was swift. I hoarsely asked the Doctor one question: “How can I tell if it’s bronchitis?” He tilted his head to the side and said, “It sounds different.” Really? That’s all you can give me to go on?
Four prescriptions filled and $20.00 later, I’m popping pills in Kaiser’s parking lot like a junkie. I found a stale bottle of Dasani water that kept rolling back and forth under my feet in the car and I used it to down the medication. All of them had “drowsy” labels on the bottles. My rationale was that if I took them now, by the time I got home I would be ready to knock out and go to sleep peacefully. Who knew there would be a traffic jam in the damn parking lot? Oh lord – I must have sat in a long line of waiting cars for about 20 minutes JUST to get out of the lot and begin the half hour drive home. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Maybe I should have eaten something too. My world was becoming very dim. I don’t know how I parked in between the lines. Mind you, the coughing still hasn’t stopped. Damn you Western conventional medicine and all of your habitual ways!
I don’t know how I parked my car. I made it up the stairs and fell asleep in complete makeup and sweaty clothes like a corpse. I slept that night. Sort of. The coughing continues.
